Hiromi Usagi!

that is a Japanese saying. I don’t know if I translate it right, but close enough. I feel like I pushed very hard in my academic career, so now I should pull it. I think that pulling doesn’ t mean quitting, but rather going to a different direction. That’s how I take this saying.

I have been reading a lot of psychology books mostly in Japanese, like “Failure that becomes plus, Success that becomes minus” Does it make sense? It is hard to translate the title. Anyway, this book says,

“you won’t succeed without accepting failure at some points. It is okay to fail, but you have to analyze how you failed and think about what success means to you. Failure is not a bad thing. Everyone needs to experiense it in order to have a meaningful life. What does success mean to you? Why do you want to succeed? What is it for? Unfortunate accidents can happen to anyone, and that is a life. Just accept and don’t give up. Sometimes, you can’t do anything about it. Don’t blame on others too long, focus on a good side. Appreciate what you already have.”

Yeah, I appreciate what I already have; great friends, family, living in another country, a master’s degree, but I guess I still wanted more. I mean I set a new goal. what’s wrong with that?

I read this book so many times. When I saw this book at the bookstore in Mitsuwa, a Japanese market in Arlington Heights, I thought that I didn’t need this kind of book, but I decided to browse it and bought it. haha…. I was desparate. I feel okay after I read this book. I can think like this: “As far as I am still alive, there is a chance to do many things.” I guess that the hardest part is accepting rejections. Oh so many rejections! why? I worked so hard, I mean so hard. why not? but my professor said, “you just need one yes. who cares how many rejection you got?” She is so right. I got one yes. That is a truth even if the school can’t give me money. I am accepted. I am qualified.

I think that it always takes me a while to face my feelings. While I was going through rejection or being confused about what I really really wanted, I just struggled to find a way to make things happen. But after a while, I realize how much I was hurt and disappointed. At the point, things were already determined, so I don’t have to struggle to find a way. It is like a post-traumatic experience. Probably, it is. But I don’t think this post-traumatic feeling explosion is a bad thing. I think it is actually good, because I am just processing my feeling, which means the way out is very close.

I have been thinking about about myself a lot. I mean who doesn’t. How do I get out of this crappy feeling. Why do I feel crappy? Is that I didn’t get money to go to the school very bad? yes, it was disappointed, but it wasn’t so bad. I can defer it for one year. I have an option. I like to have an option. That is why I came here; speaking more than one language, understanding diverse cultures, and becoming tough and nice— I believe that a real strong person is a real sweet person. To be able to sweet, you have to be strong.

When I think about what I have, I feel very lucky. I have a safe and culturally interesting country to go back. I have family who is excited about my return. I have friends who feel for me and care for me. See, the book works!

All right, it is 1:45 a.m. I should stop my speculation. Forget all I said here. It is one of those days.

I hope I won’t have a nightmare like the last night.