Hiromi’s Blog

that is a Japanese saying. I don’t know if I translate it right, but close enough. I feel like I pushed very hard in my academic career, so now I should pull it. I think that pulling doesn’ t mean quitting, but rather going to a different direction. That’s how I take this saying.

I have been reading a lot of psychology books mostly in Japanese, like “Failure that becomes plus, Success that becomes minus” Does it make sense? It is hard to translate the title. Anyway, this book says,

“you won’t succeed without accepting failure at some points. It is okay to fail, but you have to analyze how you failed and think about what success means to you. Failure is not a bad thing. Everyone needs to experiense it in order to have a meaningful life. What does success mean to you? Why do you want to succeed? What is it for? Unfortunate accidents can happen to anyone, and that is a life. Just accept and don’t give up. Sometimes, you can’t do anything about it. Don’t blame on others too long, focus on a good side. Appreciate what you already have.”

Yeah, I appreciate what I already have; great friends, family, living in another country, a master’s degree, but I guess I still wanted more. I mean I set a new goal. what’s wrong with that?

I read this book so many times. When I saw this book at the bookstore in Mitsuwa, a Japanese market in Arlington Heights, I thought that I didn’t need this kind of book, but I decided to browse it and bought it. haha…. I was desparate. I feel okay after I read this book. I can think like this: “As far as I am still alive, there is a chance to do many things.” I guess that the hardest part is accepting rejections. Oh so many rejections! why? I worked so hard, I mean so hard. why not? but my professor said, “you just need one yes. who cares how many rejection you got?” She is so right. I got one yes. That is a truth even if the school can’t give me money. I am accepted. I am qualified.

I think that it always takes me a while to face my feelings. While I was going through rejection or being confused about what I really really wanted, I just struggled to find a way to make things happen. But after a while, I realize how much I was hurt and disappointed. At the point, things were already determined, so I don’t have to struggle to find a way. It is like a post-traumatic experience. Probably, it is. But I don’t think this post-traumatic feeling explosion is a bad thing. I think it is actually good, because I am just processing my feeling, which means the way out is very close.

I have been thinking about about myself a lot. I mean who doesn’t. How do I get out of this crappy feeling. Why do I feel crappy? Is that I didn’t get money to go to the school very bad? yes, it was disappointed, but it wasn’t so bad. I can defer it for one year. I have an option. I like to have an option. That is why I came here; speaking more than one language, understanding diverse cultures, and becoming tough and nice— I believe that a real strong person is a real sweet person. To be able to sweet, you have to be strong.

When I think about what I have, I feel very lucky. I have a safe and culturally interesting country to go back. I have family who is excited about my return. I have friends who feel for me and care for me. See, the book works!

All right, it is 1:45 a.m. I should stop my speculation. Forget all I said here. It is one of those days.

I hope I won’t have a nightmare like the last night.

I physically felt bad after I ate bad food Sunday night, so I ate so much healthy and yummy food on Monday. Marcia and I went to whole foods and Stanley’s, so I got a lot of fresh vegetables and fruits. I cooked brussels sprouts for Marica and my roommates and Jill who was visiting. Brussels sprouts are soooo good. I just halved them and cooked with olive oil, garlic, and sea salt. That’s it. simple and good. I didn’t like brussels sprouts until my friend from Peet’s coffee told me this recipe. believe me it is soooo good.

As Matiss suggested, we played a card game called Zombi, and they ordered pizza and I made grilled hummos sandwich and steamed asparagus with soy wasabi mayo. My roommates don’t eat vegetable, but pizza and sodas. I am very concerned about their health, not now, but later. I am serious! Oh well, at least they ate the vegetables I cooked. That was good. Harper’s secret, but not really secret favorite food is pickles and its juice. He loves drinking pickle juice, which is too much salt for him, but I guess better than drinking more soda. Anyway, the game was fun. I didn’t win… Jill was the winner.

It was a fun day. I hang out Marcia a lot and sort of helped her photo shooting and cooked a lot and ate well. Monday is like other people’s Saturday to me, because I work weekends.

Oh I’ve got one-day museum tour guide job for Japanese tourists at the Museum of the Art Institute of Chicago. I am pretty excited! It is just one day and 4 hours or something and it is a paid job. I guess they want to see Impressionist works……so Japanese…J/K. I led a tour for the college students when I was TA for art history courses. It was fun because I was in total control as far as which piece we should discuss. I don’t know this time though. They want to see Seurat, Monet, Manet, and Van Gogh and so on. Don’t give me wrong, I like Impressionism too, but I would see something I can’t see other museums, like Abstract Expressionism, Rembrandt’s prints, or 1920’s photo.

Oh, I have to mention Tadao Ando’s room. It is a small gallery in the Asian art section. You have to open the door to get in, which is sort of intimidating and exciting at the same time. The inside is so calm and dark and of course quiet. You have to get though wood pillars (like those pillar in a photographer, Hiroshi Sugimoto’s show at MCA) to get to an open space. It is like a Zen buddhist temple trick, I call. You don’t go to the main object directly (you don’t see the main object from the entrance), but going through a path is just like experiencing microcosm or psychologically getting ready for the most important part of the objects, like the heart of temple or art works in this case. If you haven’t seen this room, you should check it out.

I like blog and I don’t know why I didn’t start earlier.

I am so exhausted today. I was getting sick and started feeling better, but I guess I am still weak. Maybe, that’s why I feel so tired. Harper and I ordered food and ate around midnight. I ate too much…and feel well. I tend to eat more than I should whenever I am stressed out or tired or pmsing.

I can’t believe that Harper went to Redno Five in this late– 1 a.m. Sunday night. He put his marijuana leaf pattern vest with no shirt underneath. I was so sleepy, but eating woke me. I need to rest or get relaxed or both.

Monday is my day off!

For those who don’t read Japanese, don’t get suspicious. Of course, I talk about you in my secret language with my secret friends all the time.

日本語でブログです。でも、まだ由里恵さんにしか伝えていないので、ほかの日本人の友達にも知らせなきゃ、です。携帯から、見れるのかしら？あっ、EllaとSelenaは読めるね。

ハーパーを始め、彼の友達らの間ではブログは常識化していて、私は今頃デビューです。博士号課程に受かったものの、出るはずの奨学金も出ないことになり、いよいよ日本へ帰国となる訳ですが、とりあえず入学を一年延ばして奨学金の可能性を待ってみます。もがいてあがいて苦しんだあげく、決めたことなので、後悔はないです。かなり、泣いたな。普段、泣かないタイプなので、自分でびっくり！してしまいました。声だして、わんわん、泣いちゃいました。ハーパーがまた、やさしくて、でも私の悔しさとかよく、知っていてあきらめちゃだめだよ、って言ってくれるから、また泣けて、精神的に随分不安定な日々を過ごしました。

アメリカ人みたいに、学生が自分で政府から借りられるローンがあったらいいのに、日本だと親を通さないといけないし、公的機関のローンじゃ、とっても足りないくらい授業料が高くて、どうにもならないのです。ああ、もう少しだったのに。でも、私、よくがんばったと思う（笑）、本当に。英語は上達したし、度胸はついたし、自分がどういう人か最近よくわかるようになったし、ここらでちょっとアメリカ生活は休憩かな？　そう思うと、今までのアメリカ生活がとても長い旅だったような、気がしてきました。シカゴでの友達と離れるなんて、今はとっても考えられなくて、ルームメイト達は私にとって家族だし、ベッカ、マルシア、と会わないなんて、想像がつかないです。

でも、日本は正直楽しみです。就職活動はきついだろうけど、新しい生活にわくわくしてます。今までご無沙汰だった友達といっぱい会えるしね。台湾にも近くなるから、EllaとSelenaを訪ねたり、出来るもんね。

そんな訳で、今日は日本語のブログでした。

Harper, Becca, Fred, and Jameson came to Sushi Wabi after Cole’s art show and I joined them to eat dinner with them. I love fish. I was vegan for 2 years, but I started eat fish. My diet became more flexible afterwards. Tonight, I had Zuke Sake–marinated salmon and Kampachi–baby yellow tail as Sashimi—no rice but straight up raw fish. They were yummy.

Going out for Sushi is to me something very special like some special occations, but as far as my family goes, we consume a lot of raw fish at home. I crave for fish a lot. No wonder why I work at Sushi restaurant now. I love sesonal specials, especially in Winter, fish is fattier and yummier. There are several fish which get more delicious in Fall or Spring. I know I am obsessed with food, but I can’t help it. I think my family is obsessed with food and drinks so much. They always find a reason to get drunk and eat yummy foods–wedding, funeral, holidays, guests, or whatever.

Speaking of food or obsession, I had a coffee today. It was a real one, I mean, caffeinated. I have been doing so well not to have a coffee, but I couldn’t help it. I did cleansing on my digestive system in the last month, which required me not to have caffeine, wheat products, soy products, and alcohol. I did that for 3 weeks! Marica was on raw food diet for detoxication, and that helped me a lot for my cleansing. She did very strictly and I learned a lot about detoxing. Now Marcia and I eat very healthy and I like that she loves eating too.

For my cleansing process, the hardest part was caffeine. I grew up drinking green tea with my breakfast and dinner, and I have been drinking a black coffee in the morning since I was 12. I am caffeine addict, but I reduced my caffeine intake drastically. I am very proud of myself, but I couldn’t help it today. oh my coffee made me get through my work tonight, so it was worth it. I had a glass of white wine too. I needed it, right?

Anyway, it was very nice to have yummy foods with my friends. I love dinning not only because of food, but also my precious precious friends.

Before I went to work this morning, I fed Marcia’s cats and sent out my application for the teaching position in my hometown. Milo, one of Marcia’s cat was following me while I was walking out from her apartment. He is sooooo cute and I felt so bad that I had to leave. I love her cats. I love Zepline, Harper’s parents’ cat, too.

I worked double shifts, and on top of that, I was the only server to take to-go and delivery orders (usually two people), and I was stuck with an annoying customer for a while. The phone kept ringing and foods kept coming out, but I couldn’t pack them….help..help..help.. Yes, I’ve got some help. I am just whining.

I want to go to yoga so bad. It would help my exhaustion for sure. My body is not flexible at all, but I love yoga. I love acupuncture and homeopathic too. ummm, I sound very hippy. I have a cheesey yoga DVD, and I like it…

Going back to my application stuff, I would be very happy if I get the job (teaching international students at the national university) . I am also going to apply many museum jobs in Tokyo.

I realize that my expression became very direct when I write in Japanese. It is all the U.S. education’s fault–haha, I mean a good influence. Also, I am forgetting Kanji/ Chinese character. There are so many…I mean, thousands for real. I am suppposed to have known 3ooo or 5ooo characters to be able to read newspaper. Thank god, word processor. It gives me a list of character when I type Japanese words phenetically, but still there were a few times when I was not sure which character I should choose. Chinese people use only Chinese characters, which is impressive to me.

It was a long day indeed. Harper is excited of his new jeans. I want to get a new levis. My favorite is men’s 517, which Levis stopped making it. sad… Harper just showed his ass from his new super low-cut jeans.

I can sleep in tonight. I had only 4 hour sleep last night. Application didn’t let me go to bed early.

Good night.

I am applying to a cool job in my hometown, not tokyo though. It is a teaching position for the international students at Yamanashi University, a national university in my hometown. The deadline is on Tuesday, and Japan is 16 hours ahead of us, so I have to send it very very soon, meaning tomorrow.

I worked on my statement at a cute coffee shop Marcia told me about. They have a free wireless! It is at the corner of California and Augusta. I walked all the way from my house. It took me a half hour and a good exercise. If you live in Chicago, you should check it out. I will bring my laptop next time.

I will never forget Japanese for sure, but it is hard for me sometimes to translate something that doesn’t exist or doesn’t have a Japanese name. For example, when I was TA at Art Institute, I had an office hour which my students can come to see me without any appointment. I guess I could say office hour with Japanese accecent, you know what I am talking about, like McDonald-macudonaludo—, but I have to explain what the office hour is. I hope I didn’t lose my Japanese. My English is not perfect either….language is tough…

Anyhow, I hope I will get the job. I found a cool museum job too. Wish me luck !

すごい！　日本語でもプログが出来る（当たり前だけどー笑）。ハーパーの作ってくれてたからなんか日本語じゃ打てない気がして（ごめんね、ハーパー）。バイリンガルでブログります！